My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
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[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter