Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
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You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.