Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
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“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.