Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
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[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.