Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
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Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality