me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
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Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.