Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
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Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM