‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
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Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.