I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
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a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text