what the hell pray for carter everyone
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Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.