COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
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My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
He a real one for that
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Whoa 😂
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now