Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
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The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
who will stop them
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907