Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
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Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
lmfao
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.