“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
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Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
absolutely not
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
we all know this pain all too well
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock