Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
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Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
the battle rages on
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,