-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
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The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
S M O L
58.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude