*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
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Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?