Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
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If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
*3.5 thank you very much.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Oh, I bet you would be
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.