*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
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Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
My zodiac sign is pistachio
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST