Why aren’t more people talking about this?
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A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
who will stop them
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Don’t frighten the programmers!
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.