There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
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i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”