Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
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Carpe DM
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.