Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
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If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Friends that check up on you >
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”