HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
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[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
inventing words: clothing
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?