Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
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*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”