Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
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Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
guys I’m going home
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
I just love that new Pope smell.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids