One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
You Might Also Like
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.