Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
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“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter