*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
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A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
I think my mom just blocked me
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!