This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
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[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
choose your fighter
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”