It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
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Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Anime is real
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
kids play hide and seek like