Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
You Might Also Like
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Dear Lord..
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Miscakes
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Watermelon Boss!
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Its true…
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”