If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
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Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW