No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
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mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts