Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
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Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer