Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
You Might Also Like
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.