the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
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Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
damn he’s good
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.