I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
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[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools