I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
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Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.