Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
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“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Me when someone tries to get to know me
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I’m sorry…what?
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no