Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
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A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.