so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
You Might Also Like
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.