Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
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Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Happy weekend !
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Awesome parenting 😂
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work