Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
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“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
A friend helps you before you need it
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.