Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
You Might Also Like
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Nice try, poison.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
wishing you and yours all the best
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.