[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
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Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine