“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
You Might Also Like
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Don’t touch that.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools