Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
You Might Also Like
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
My daily affirmation
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*