a lot to unpack here
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Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
they finally got him. they got macavity
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
The Onion called it…again.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
[montage of me giving-up]
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job