12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
You Might Also Like
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano